[ArmedWithAWiffleBat]

There are a lot of stories tales about Julius Caeser. Some tout him as a great hero, others not so much. But as we all know, he was betrayed and murdered by his enemies, and even his friend Brutus. Et tu, Brute! being his famous last words, warning his former friend that a similar fate no doubt awaited for him. This is a chilling tale that brings....chills...to one's spine and possibly their spline. Perhaps what is most chilling about this is the fact that none of that is true. Well, almost none of it. The story you hear is one spun by Caeser's enemies. Much of the truth is hidden and buried beneath lies and poor translations. And the International Jewish Conspiracy, of course."

The true story is one of bravery and heroics. It is one of superheroes and villains. And it is the story of a simple, humble emporer of Rome.

Our story starts in Caeser's personal chambers. It is exactly as one would expect. Walls of pure, pristine marble surrounded Caeser; each side spewed history and luxury. Set into one wall was the door, made out of beautiful wood, adorned a large shield that Caeser himself once carried into many battles. Hung above it was a crocodile's head from the Nile, as well as a street sign. On the left, a series of ornate stone cases stood side by side, bustling with books and scrolls, as well as a large, plush throne where Caeser could sit and scrawl his own thoughts. The right side was covered with number of paintings of Caeser, each setting him in a heroic and manly situation. At the rear of the room, lush, purple silk curtains hung from the ceiling, and behind them resided a large balcony covered with lush plants and flowers. The carpeting in the room was a number of fine furs sewn together, with a large, luxurious bed setting in the middle.

And of course the concubines. Dear God the concubines. If that many liked one thing, it was pussy.

It was cool this night, March 15th. Caeser layed about his room in his purple toga, relaxing on this. However, in the back of his mind, he heard the soothsayer's warning; "Beware the Ides of March". Caeser bewared a lot of things. He bewared invading armies and plagues, he also bewared poison ivy and running with scissors. Buy the Ides of March?

Suddenly a knock on the door roused Caeser from his thoughts. He called out to his guards to allow entrance to whomever may seek an audience with Caeser, and requested his mistresses to move out to the balcony until he felt a "rumblin' down below". In walked 15 men, cloaked in black, their faces hidden in the dim light. Caeser did not like the looks of this. No sir, he did not.

"Thy reign of terror comes to an end tonight, Caeser!" said one.
"Reign of terror? Thou art mistaken, my friend" replied Caeser
"You have raped Rome of her Glory enough. We shall restore Her Honor and wash away thy putrid contamination!" answered another.

They all were armed, Caeser noted, with daggers. He took a step back to ready for the onslaught, but there were too many. He managed a few defensive blows before they overwhelmed him, and their cold metal began to pierce his flesh. As he lay there bleeding, someone spoke.

"Caeser shalt die on this cool eve..."
"Et....tu, Brute!"

To all but Caeser, the following events were an amazing sight to see. No one expected it. A bolt of lightning flashed high in the clear sky, and voice bellowed with the power of the Gods. A bolt of lightning struck inside the room, seemingly from no where, and as soon as it arrived it was gone. In its place, stood a man. He was glad in a skin tight loin cloth, and draped around his neck was a silky cape; as red as one can imagine. He also sported a healthy mustache upon his upper lip.

"BACK! BACK, FOUL SENATORS!", the same booming voice exploded from this strange hero before them, "I, Brute, am here to protect our great Caeser, and prevent this horrible attrocity from being commited this Ides of March!"

I wish I could say that the attackers, apparently Caeser's enemies in the Senate, fought well and bravely. The fact of the matter is, they were mercilessly slain by Brute. He moved with the swiftness of many great steeds, and struck with the force of the Gods. Bodies flew about the room, slamming hard into the walls, or merely exploding under the force of the attacks. Once the bloody massacre had ended, Brute gently lifted Caeser up and unto his bed, and disappeared into the night.

Moments after, Caeser's guards broke into the room. Noticing their Emporer laying bleeding on his bed, they quickly called for the healers. After many hours, and even more prayers, Caeser was finally made safe. He had lost much blood, but his wounds had been closed, and his strong heart continued to beat inside his breast. He was saved.

Finally, friends were able to see him, among them his friend Brutus. Caeser smiled at his friend and spoke quietly.

"My dear Brutus, the man who saved me...he resembles you in so many ways. His name was Brute. He was a brave and powerful man, and I swear I thought it was you!"

Brutus laughed heartily and replied, "Oh my Caeser, I have seen this man, but you are mistaken. Brute has a mustache!"

The day after, Caeser died. He was the first casualty of the AIDs virus. That man did love pussy.

[Skreb Masters]

That was one good story, and then it ends with a barrel of laughs. Great take on the Caesar dying thing.

[UberTails]

Lawlzorz, pure brilliance. Imagine writing a tome of history like this!

[ArmedWithAWiffleBat]

I'm actually considering it.